Retro TV Today: Looking Back Through Strained Eyes
By Steve Crum
Remember the golden days of television when Lucy and Ricky, Rob and Laura, and Ozzie and Harriet slept in separate beds? When maxed out bathroom humor consisted of Jack Paar getting censored for referring to a (*shudder*) “water closet” in an on-air joke? Or just hearing Archie Bunker’s toilet flushing? Forgetaboutit! It’s 2013, when reality shows reign and sitcoms tell it like it is.
So here’s the set-up. I have taken 10 current TV shows and morphed their actual plots into vintage TV shows…just to smother you with the realization that TV, society, values, and mores have changed in five or six decades. Like you didn’t know it already. For credibility, the 2013 TV shows are matched by number in the footnote. Set your DVR!
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1. LEAVE IT TO BEAVER [1957-63]
Ward and June Cleaver (Hugh Beaumont and Barbara Billingsley) are excited about son Beaver’s interest in a photography class at school until they discover The Beav (Jerry Mathers) is taking full frontal nudes (aka “Beaver shots”) of female models in class.
2. THE HONEYMOONERS [1952-57]
Ed Norton (Art Carney) seeks advice regarding how to gently break the news to his visiting sister about his divorce from Trixie (Joyce Randolph) and his engagement to boyfriend Ralph Kramden (Jackie Gleason).
3. THE JACK PAAR PROGRAM [1962-65]
Humorist/talk show host Jack Paar gets huge studio audience laughs and applause by f-bombing his guest, Republican zealot Richard Nixon.
4. FATHER KNOWS BEST [1954-60]
Jim Anderson’s (Robert Young) parents separate after 40 years of marriage, so his overbearing mother chooses to move in with him and his family. Problems arise, including his mom’s tendency to cut silent, smelly farts.
5. THE DONNA REED SHOW [1958-66]
Mary Stone (Shelley Fabares) goes on her first date after getting sober, while her mother, Donna (Donna Reed), teaches son Jeff (Paul Peterson) how to gamble.
6. THE FLINTSTONES [1960-66]
Fred Flintstone (voice of Alan Reed) decides to have the vestigial twin growing out of his neck amputated.
7. THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY [1970-74]
Two members of the musical family find out they are pregnant. Mom (Shirley Jones) decides to include the sordid details in her upcoming autobiography. (OK, I took dramatic license with the last line.)
8. FELIX THE CAT [cartoon series, 1954-?]
Felix decides to have one last wild night before he is neutered.
9. THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM [1950-65]
When Mary Livingstone backs out from an agreement to sleep with boyfriend Jack Benny, he decides to sue her for sexual harassment.
10. MR. NOVAK [1963-65]
The trials and tribulations of John Novak (James Franciscus), a high school English teacher who secretly deals in manufacturing and selling methamphetamine…and spelling it correctly.
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Footnote of borrowed plots from actual 2013 TV shows:
1. THE MICHAEL J. FOX SHOW…”Art” episode
2. MODERN FAMILY…”Farm Story”
3. REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER…any given program
4. THE MILLERS…”Pilot”
5. MOM…”A Small Nervous Breakdown and a Misplaced Fork”
6. FAMILY GUY…”Vestigial Peter”
7. GLEE…”Preggers”
8. NEW GIRL…”The Captain”
9. THE MINDY PROJECT…”Magic Morgan”
10. BREAKING BAD…entire series that just ended
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Imagine if these old TV programs actually had plots THEN as described, and how their ilk would have become progressively more crude and rude 50 or 60 years later. It is enough to make one run to the water closet.
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Terrific Bullock, Clooney headline superb space adventure ‘Gravity’
By Steve Crum
The superbly produced Gravity begins afloat in space with astronauts chitchatting via compression helmets during a routine checkup outside their space shuttle. It is all breezy and mundane until a sudden debris shower devours their craft, leaving two of its inhabitants, played by George Clooney and Sandra Bullock, fighting for their lives. The only backstory we get about them and their mission is sparse. Increasingly, the audience learns enough about these two survivors to be hooked on their desperate journey.
Director and co-screenwriter Alfonso Cuarón (Children of Men) has created a sci-fi instant classic that achieves maximum audience involvement by intensifying sound and visuals as well as using omniscient camera shots. We see Ryan Stone’s (Bullock) point of view from within her helmet, looking out the visor. It is a technique only used a couple of times, but it effectively adds to our feeling of Stone’s terror. As well, 3D imagery has the audience literally ducking and swerving. Add directional sound and the use of dead silence, and one’s sensory feelings pretty much max out.
Within the first 15 minutes of Gravity, I was totally pulled into the plot, along side the two castaways, as they gasped for oxygen while in free float. There are so many hold-your-breath moments, at times it felt like an upscale, interactive amusement park ride. Accolades to Steven Price’s unobtrusive yet emotional score that really enhances the film’s effectiveness.
There is, of course, much more than sound and visual superlatives to Gravity. Alfonso Cuarón and his son, Jonás, have penned a fantastic yet credible story of courage, friendship, and survival. Even the title, Gravity, is appropriate in its dual simplicity. Its physics aspect refers to an object drawn to the center of a body, while the other meaning involves plot tone, the element of grave consequence.
Veteran astronaut Matt Kowalski (Clooney) is on his final space venture, while Bullock’s Dr. Ryan Stone, a science officer, is a rookie. After all hell breaks loose at space station central, the two slowly churn through space, tethered together. (There are even more harrowing moments before their bonding.) Communications with Mission Control in Houston are nil, but Kowalski has a plan. Avoiding plot spoiler data, I will say their trek is fraught with tragedy as well as humor. For example, Kowalski does his best to keep Stone in good spirits through endless quips and funny stories–and all this on limited oxygen.
While Clooney is very good as the sage astronaut, Bullock is the real focus here, in an Oscar worthy turn as the novice space explorer. Of the 90 minutes running time, Bullock solidly holds solo for at least 30 minutes. It is a credit to both her and the director. There are so many memorable moments throughout, including an awesome finale. Pure genius. That is the gravity of the situation, dear reader, and the situation of Gravity.
Gravity is a perfect movie. Seeing it in IMAX-3D is perfection plus.
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GRADE on a Scale of A to F: A
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This trailer gives you good idea of what happens in Gravity: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6sk3HudM4k
‘The Butler’ covers recent history via stunning White House story, stellar cast
By Steve Crum
Historical fact and fiction successfully merge in the very watchable Lee Daniels’ The Butler. Danny Strong’s script covers 34 years of mid to late 20th Century American history as witnessed by White House butler Cecil Gaines. (Gaines is based on the real life Eugene Allen.) Forest Whitaker portrays Gaines, a turn that will likely garner an Oscar nomination. Daniels, who catapulted to directorial fame with 2009’s Precious, does a superb job here. He and Strong have compressed an engrossing saga covering the Civil Rights Movement, five presidents, a family’s generational growth, and a love story into 132 minutes. It had to be a daunting task, but it works.
Similarities exist between The Butler and the 1979 TV miniseries, Backstairs at the White House. But the stories are far from parallel. Backstairs was based on the best selling book by Lillian Rogers, which recounted both her and her mother’s tenure as White House seamstress and housemaid, respectively. Backstairs’ historical times range from Presidents Taft to Eisenhower. Butler Cecil Gaines’ White House service begins with Eisenhower, and ends with Reagan, covering eight presidential terms.
We get Cecil Gaines’ backstory as the film opens in 1926 Georgia. A young Cecil works with his parents as sharecroppers, but overseen by nothing less than a white plantation thug. Beatings, rape, and unprovoked shootings are commonplace, and Cecil is soon orphaned. He works for years as a house servant, and then, as a penniless teen, leaves to travel north. Luckily for his survival, a progression of jobs ensue involving butler duties. Fast forward to knowing the right people and being recommended to a White House butler position.
Once he is hired and establishes a comfortable relationship with his fellow White House butlers, the script takes a necessary shorthand turn–as it had already done when skipping through a decade of Gaines’ early years in Georgia. This is no criticism; just realize the need to do so. Otherwise the film would require a 10-hour miniseries.
The Butler certainly is not short on star power. Oprah Winfrey is Gloria Gaines, Cecil’s wife, who supports her husband and children with love and bearing. I have to say that while Winfrey’s acting chops are seldom utilized (this is her second movie since 1985’s The Color Purple), she is a fine performer. In fact, virtually every actor and actress in The Butler is above average. Cuba Gooding, as fellow butler Carter Wilson, does so well in a role worthy of his Oscar winning stature. Others include Terrence Howard as a drunken, immoral friend of the Gaines family; and David Oylowo as the Gaines brilliant but idealistic son, Louis.
Again, the plot covers a whole lot of territory, reflecting the history of that time. So we get capsule glimpses of events, mostly tragic, like the Freedom Riders’ bus, marches, and Woolworth sit-ins. Sure, the KKK is there, along with vulgar, spitting bigots that shame USA history. All the time, Cecil Gaines silently serves a line of presidents, hearing hurtful things he cannot discuss, and witnessing history behind the scenes without comment. Even at home, he is sworn to secrecy. Forest Whitaker’s sad eyes serve him well here, reflecting an inner struggle and pain.
All the presidents are played by name actors who do okay, and most are cast against type. Robin Williams as Dwight Eisenhower does not have much to say, and is pretty staid. (For Williams that IS acting.) Seeing him with white hair, and nearly bald, Williams resembles Truman more than Ike, due to his nose and chin. James Marsden does a credible JFK; and Liev Schreiber has some very good acting moments, both hilarious and troubled, as the eccentric LBJ barking out orders while sitting on the toilet. Nixon (John Cusack) has his own quirks, accented by foul language. (Presidents Gerald Ford and Jimmy Carter are oddly missing from the film. A time constraint?)Casting Alan Rickman as Ronald Reagan is too much of a stretch. However, Jane Fonda is absolute perfection in her brief scenes as Nancy Reagan.
It is admirable that the script reflects on historic events, such as Dr. Martin Luther King’s assassination, by juxtaposition from the White House point of view to Cecil Gaines and his family’s. In each case, Gaines is exposed to multiple sides of current events while struggling for inward balance.
The powerfully emotional sequences in The Butler make the bravura finale truly wrenching.
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GRADE on a Scale of A to F: A-
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Even the film’s trailer is fascinating: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FuojHqfe4Vk
Blomkamp’s sci-fi yarn ‘Elysium’ has its moments, but pales to his ‘District 9’
By Steve Crum
Elysium concerns the haves and have-nots, featuring a society with no middle class, only the rich and poor, and a strictly enforced border to keep the two classes separated. Why, it’s a documentary about 2013 USA! No, it is a sci-fi yarn set in “the late 21st Century” which paints a bleak future for the world. Like the Tom Cruise vehicle Oblivion that came and went earlier this summer, Elysium is all about the social mores of control, particularly government control. Just to emphasize the connection to the status quo, there are references to Homeland Security.
Current paranoia about our federal government is realized here, probably enough to reinforce those who reportedly are storing up their guns and ammo in fear of some kind of takeover. In Elysium, there are indeed stored guns, but per se underground, accessed through illegal means. Earth’s leaders do not permit its slave-like citizenry to have weapons.
Director-screenwriter Neill Blomkamp, who imprinted the movie history map with his incredibly original District 9, does not equal that triumph. But portions of Elysium come near. Reminiscent of District 9 is the overall slum that earth has become. Blomkamp frequently and wisely cuts to overhead establishing shots so we are reminded. Ground zero is a life of filth, disease and squalor, gang graffiti-splattered walls, and raggedly dressed civilians kowtowing to robot policemen figuratively and sometimes literally keeping them in line. When central character Max DeCosta (Matt Damon) snidely jokes with one cop, he is immediately beaten to the ground for insubordination. In fact, his jesting nearly gets him arrested with another robot. In flashback, we find DeCosta has been a rebellious back talker since he was raised by orphanage nuns.
DeCosta’s childhood friend and sweetheart, Frey (Alice Braga) is now a nurse supporting a terminally ill little daughter. By the time DeCosta reunites with her, he has a criminal record, and is soon to contract a cancer virus thanks to an accident at his workplace factory. The plot really gets interesting when he, his old girlfriend, and her child shuttle off to the luxurious, high tech space station Elysium. Think the stereotypical circular space station depicted in 2001: A Space Odyssey, and the indoor track astronauts would jog. Multiply the size of the station by about 10, and you have Elysium, within which a huge city exists with manicured lawns, trees, modern buildings, and swimming pools. 
Factor in that DeCosta has willingly been transformed into an android to sustain his life by giving him superhuman strength. In the trailers, one can see metallic additions from his bald head and down. Since Elysium citizens have access to MRI-like machines that rid one’s body of any imperfections, including diseases, both DeCosta and Frey definitely want to take advantage.
Elysium turns out to be not so utopian after all, since it is on the verge of a coup due to the rambunctious and cold blooded Secretary of Defense Delacourt (Jodie Foster) wanting control over the slightly more humanistic President Patel (Faran Tahir).
Blomkamp definitely has a flair for sci-fi, and does well with the look and feel of a future earth. Action sequences are very well done, but, like most movies of this genre, acting overall is secondary to the action. However, both Damon and Copley stand out. Jodie Foster is virtually wasted with little dialogue and no memorable scenes. Her best line is representative: “Send them to deportation! Get them off this habitat!” Incidentally, the always watchable William Fichtner is notable as a factory CEO.
Oh, and add some drones the government uses to keep its earthlings in line. Surely Blomkamp is not referencing anything to do with 2013.
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GRADE on a scale of A to F: B
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Check out the Elysium trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QILNSgou5BY
The X factor for ‘The Wolverine’ features incredible action sequences
By Steve Crum
Marvel has the most tortured, flawed superheroes in the comic book universe. Proof positive is substantiated throughout The Wolverine, arguably the best of the shiv-wristed franchise. It is also the most grueling to watch.
Unlike most superheroes, Marvel or otherwise, Wolverine’s roots have never been fully explained–at least in the movies. We know Spider-Man evolved after Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive spider, and that Superman began as a Kryptonian baby. However, Wolverine aka Logan (played with perfection by Hugh Jackman) is an enigma. He is a mutant suffering from a kind of sleep apnea, and prone to nightmares. During one dream, we see him as he physically looks today, except it 68 years ago when he is imprisoned at a Japanese POW camp located on Nagasaki, Japan. A U.S. bomber then drops the atomic bomb–a sadly historic moment. And Wolverine obviously survives. Unlike other dreams he has, this is a valid memory, not a hallucination. How can this be? (Gasp as you ask.)
It is an intriguing premise, which also opens the movie, immediately hooking the audience. No surprise when the story’s locale easily shifts from the USA to present-day Japan, where it remains until the end of the film. With virtually any movie set in Japan, expectations include at least an appearance by ninjas or samurais. The Wolverine gives us pagodas packed with kicking, jabbing, and arrow shooting ninja warriors. As for a samurai warrior, would you believe a gigantic, silver-plated, robotic samurai? Ah so. To take up any slack at Japanese action central, prepare yourself for dozens of lethal Yakuza thugs. Wolverine is multi-challenged. Fortunately, his body absorbs any bullets, arrows, stabs, and punches, and then immediately heals itself. Thanks to some scientific conniving, orally delivered by a lethal babe appropriately called “Viper,” Wolverine’s regenerative powers are jeopardized, affecting his life and those he is trying to protect.
Time to backpedal a bit, plot-wise, without disclosing too much. Be aware that The Wolverine is essentially a sequel to X-Men: The Last Stand, which ended with Logan in deep depression and traipsing out to the wilderness following the death of Jean Grey, his honey. He has frequent dreams in which she appears next to him in bed and elsewhere. In each case, she implores him to join her in death.
Now a recluse, and looking the part of a homeless man with unkempt beard and all, he is tracked down by a pert young lady adept at martial arts, Yukio, charismatically played by Rita Fukushima. She is sent by an old colleague of sorts who immediately needs his help in Japan. By the way, in this early part of the movie, Wolverine has already encountered a Grizzly as well as a half dozen thugs in a barroom. In fact, the fight scenes are plentiful, lengthy, and wow-factor impressive. Listing all of them in detail would be a disservice, but I have to mention one action stunner involving Wolverine battling a squad of killers atop a moving Japanese train zooming 300 mph. Fight scenes on top of moving trains have been around since the dawn of motion pictures, but this new ingredient takes the cake. Sorry, sushi.
For good reason, The Wolverine is reminiscent of a favorite James Bond adventure, 1967’s You Only Live Twice, also set in Japan. Both heroes battle martial arts foes, and both fall in love with a Japanese woman. For Wolverine’s Logan, she is the young lady he repeatedly saves, Mariko Yashida (Tao Okamoto).
Director James Mangold and screenscribes Christopher McQuarrie, Mark Bomback, and Scott Frank transition Wolverine on an incredible journey from 1945 to present day Nagasaki. By the finale, the body count is high, and Wolverine’s purpose in life is ascertained. Doubters need only catch the brief epilogue inserted about three minutes into the credits, featuring a couple of major folks in Marvel’s gallery. Set in an airport as Logan prepares to return to the USA, the bit also serves as hype for Wolverine’s inclusion in the next X-Men flick. What brilliant, comic book showmanship.
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GRADE on a Scale of A to F: B+
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