This lengthy piece ran in two editions of The Kansas City Kansan newspaper, Feb. 23 and March 16, 2002. Twenty years ago, buying movie tickets via your cell phone was mostly unheard of. That said, dealing with cell phones in theaters has become an even worse problem. Also, those were the days before the many movie streaming channels we now have. Just put my thoughts in retrospect. (Incidentally, the illustrations are mine.)
By Steve Crum
Do you know what really ticks me off? As Lassie once barked, “Ticks.” Dog-eared jokes aside, there are a number of things about the moviegoing experience that dig under my nails, and raise my Hollywood hackles. Since a perk of writing movie reviews is getting free screening passes, I rarely pay to get into a movie. Otherwise, I would moan about the escalating ticket prices. That said, any treats I get at a screening I pay for out of pocket. More on that later.
MOVIE THEATER PARKING
Are there really that many handicapped folks coming to the theater? One Kansas City area theater’s parking lot gives the first two 
rows—long rows—to Reserved-For-Handicapped parking. I had to park so far from the front doors a few weeks ago (and there were 19 handicapped spots vacant) that I was limping by the time I trekked from my North 40 parking spot.
And let’s get a cop outside to direct the banana land traffic after the show lets out. Add a packed theater, late night, and you have potential vehicular trauma.
CATTLE LINES
What else would you call the roped-off mazes (inspired by theme parks) that keep 100-plus human beefers in line at screenings? Surely this does not happen to paying customers. But with non payers possessing passes at a free evening screening, it is first-come, first-served for empty seats. But the masses have to be contained so no one feels cheated. Head-‘em up, move ‘em in. (A 2022 NOTE: Since this was written, KC movie critics have reserved seating and do not have to stand in line.)
BUYING TICKETS
I rarely have to buy tickets, but when I do, it truly exasperates me to have to stand outside, like I am at Kemper Arena, to purchase a ticket A wind chill of 15 below adds to my overall joy. Young lady, that ticket roll you have inside your warm ticket-taker room could make a fine little bonfire.
USHERS
The old days are over. Ushers were people dressed in military style uniforms who were hired to seat the audience while holding snappy looking flashlights. They would also patrol the aisles throughout the movie, checking for rude souls. That was then. Goodbye, ushers. Hello, rude souls.
BACK SEAT KICKERS
There are those numbskulls who kick the back of your seat. (This is also a problem on airplanes.) And it is usually in an erratic, yet rhythmic tempo. Sometimes it is a kid, sometimes an adult. What is it with you people? Are you unaware? Is there a psychotic, nervous strain in your lowly developed family? Or are you just trying to start something? I usually give a half-over-the-shoulder look without making eye contact—as a display of irritation. I also rock my seat forward and back, if possible, to help ward off rude feet.
My ex-wife had her way of dealing with seat kickers. She would merely stand up, turn around, and firmly curse them out. It was effective. But her target always looked like he or she wanted to punch ME out, since I was the man sitting beside her.
THE RUDE SHOE
Then there is the low life who hoists a foot between seat backs, resting a stanky shoe near the side of my face. These are violators of another kind. Oops, I accidentally poured my Diet Coke all over your guilty flip flop.
CELL PHONES
Cellular phones have become my numero uno gripe in life. And not just at the movie theater. Why does anyone want to share a phone conversation with nearby strangers? I don’t. I was at a meeting recently when a person in the audience got a call on her cell phone. The nifty ring sounded like a Bach Toccata except. “Hello,” she said at a very audible sound level. “Hello?” she repeated. “Hello,” once again. She finally did leave the area to continue her conversation, but ONLY because she had poor phone reception where she was sitting. When she came back in, the meeting had resumed smoothly. Then her phone chimed again, and the “Hellos” began anew. She left the room again, too. Thank you, Alexander Graham Bell.
At the movie theater, the problem is the ringing. I have yet to hear any actual phone conversations going on during a movie. But maybe I am just a popcorn kernel lucky in that respect.
BLABBERERS
An ongoing problem is people who talk during the movie. I do not care whether you are telling what is happening next in the movie (actually I DO care) or spouting off about the weather in Olpe. Just refrain from taking. Zip the lips. Open the ears and eyes. Or close them. Just shut up.
BABIES & INFANTS
There is nothing that makes me both sad and angry as when a baby or small kiddo starts crying or talking during the most repulsive scene in an R-rated movie. I could kick some parental buttocks. Why would any decent parent bring a kid to such a movie? It is selfishness, my friends. The “adult” parents want to see the flick at any cost. Grow up, you parents who do this irresponsible thing! And wait until your own kids are grown before bringing them back to a movie house.
MOVEMENT DURING END CREDITS
The movie concludes and end credits start rolling. This is a cue for Cro-Magnons in the audience to immediately stand up to leave, in the process blocking the vision for those still seated who want to read the credits. Too bad for the early leavers. Sometimes there is an additional scene following the credits. Leave early, you miss it. Airplane, Lethal Weapon II and A Bug’s Life come to mind.
In A Bug’s Life, the additional “outtakes” (a joke unto itself since this is an animated film) occur as the credits roll. I recall when the credits began at the screening, half the audience were on their way down the aisles to exit. Then they all froze in standing place to watch, effectively blocking those who had remained seated.
Add to the disruption those who stand up and start talking on their way to the exit. Unnerving.
THEN THERE ARE THOSE SNACK LINE IDIOTS…
•Who wait until it is their turn at the counter to start figuring out what they want.
•Who HAVE to take a giant swig the second they receive their drink at the counter.
•Who devour that huge bite of popcorn direct to mouth—no hands, while you patiently wait directly in back of them at the counter. And they always do it while facing you, to make sure you get a good, butter-topped view. Oink.
∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞
There is a lot to be said for watching a movie at home.
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